Confessions of an Übermensch

Kick Ass looks… well… Kick ass.

Although I totally realize that it’s a movie for teens, I want to see this movie based solely on the fact that I too used to (still?) ponder what it would be like to be a superhero.

If only for the superheroine poon

Even just last year, I had a dream that I had Wolverine claws.  I dreamed that I was at a carnival, waiting in line for the bumper cars, when all of a sudden, my hands began to itch like crazy.  I didn’t think much of it, but then I felt something poking out from under my skin.  I knew right away what was happening (because it was MY dream, you see) and I hid my hands behind my back.

But the weirdest part of it wasn’t the fact that I had bone claws growing out of my freaking hands.  It’s kind of depressing, but even in my superhero dreams, it’s almost as though I think that the superheros from comic books are so unrealistic to the point that I dreamed that I had Wolverine claws growing out of my hands, but they were little tiny bone nubs.

But that didn’t stop me from totally kicking some bad guy’s ass at the carnival though.  He stole a girl’s purse and was getting away.  Thanks to my Wolverine-ness, I could jump like a freak, and I was able to jump up and over the guy, cut him off, and punch him in the face repeatedly with my little bone claw nubs.  Unfortunately, they were those slow, I feel like my hands weigh a thousand pounds each, dream sequence punches.  But I guess they got the job done.

Ultimately, even though I had stopped a criminal, the mutant fearing public chased me out of the carnival.  For having claws.  That’s racist.  In my dream.  !!!

Whoa. whahopin.

Anyways, yeah.  I kind of want to see this movie.

This video speaks to my soul.

“A man… Punched me in the face”

To the Situation:  I see you.

‘Community’ on NBC (watch full episodes here) has to be one of my favorite new shows this year.  It’s definitely one of the few shows that actually makes me laugh out loud (besides ‘It’s Always Sunny’).

Does anyone else not really laugh when they’re watching TV or a movie by themselves?  I find that I laugh out loud a lot more often when I’m with others, but when I’m alone, only really funny things will makes me laugh.

“The Wonder years without the narration is like a period piece version of The Hills”

It took him 16 seconds to say “It’s ketchup”!

(via FilmDrunk via OhHaveYouSeenThis)

They may as well have called it “The Facialyzer” or “The Handjob-omatic”.

Drunk Squirrel:

What they don’t show you is the squirrel going home and beating his wife and kids.

Don’t drink and climb.

Lady captures something on video camera while at an amusement park.

Could it be a UFO?

“Toilet paper is really archaic and disgusting”

After really thinking about it, I have to agree, the use of toilet paper is ‘archaic and disgusting’, just as the bitchy-looking/sounding lady in the video so emphatically states.  But I have to argue that while it isn’t the most hygienic way to do things, it’s by far the easiest and most sensible for most (although I did go through a phase in junior high where I would shower after every dump I took.  I used to be a Christian, too.  Looking back on it, neither made a whole lot of sense.)

While the Comfort Wipe commercial actors do a good job of really selling how disgusting wiping your ass is, the only reason no one had invented a stick to hold paper to wipe our asses with before is because using your hands just works better.  You have more control over what you’re doing, and not to mention will be able to use more force.  Because the Comfort Wipe can “extend your reach by 18 inches” the amount of force needed to exert the same amount of “wiping pressure” is increase multiple times (because it’s increasing the length of the lever, you see).  It would be like trying to shoot a free throw with a golf club:  Unnecessarily difficult but funny to watch.

Another aspect of the Comfort Wipe that bothers me is the dropping of the toilet paper into the toilet when you’re done.  You can pretty much bet the farm on the fact that the people making the commercial did not really wipe their asses with the TP before demo-ing the “press to release” functionality, and you can tell they were having accuracy issues.  All I’m saying is that whenever there’s poop involved, you can’t be too careful.  I foresee a lot of errant drops landing and sticking poop-side down on the toilet seat.  Gross.

The only person in the video that may have a legitimate use for this ridiculous excuse of a product is the fat dude.  There are advantages to being morbidly obese:  you can eat a ton.  The disadvantage the fat man implied was that his endomorphic body has failed to provide him with arms long enough to wipe his ass with.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that fat people (and midgets) have been using tools such as these for a long time now, and for some reason, some genius decided it would be a good idea to try and sell tp on a stick to people who don’t need it.  It may have worked before, but in today’s economy a lot of people would rather use their hands sans-tp rather than shell out $20 for a plastic tissue holding stick.  Probably not, but you know what I mean.

If you’re in need of some “encouragement and cheering applause”, don’t worry about having to do something that’s actually praiseworthy; pick up a copy of “Cheers to You!”  If you call now, you can get this CD for the low price of $24.95 - a savings of $10 - which is chump change compared to what it’s going to cost you in self-esteem once you realize that you’re listening to complete strangers congratulate you for being a complete and total loser (Congrats, you suck!!).

This is what’s happening to our society today.  There’s no dodgeball in schools anymore because it highlights the differences in “weak vs. strong”.  Everyone gets straight A’s, not because they’re all super smart, but because parents don’t want their kids to feel inferior if they get outperformed.  Kids grow up playing sports where nobody keeps score because parents don’t want the losers to get their feelings hurt.  It’s all a bunch of bull.  All this is doing is preventing humans from experiencing natural selection, and it’s diluting the BAMF-ness our species.

Mike Judge was right. Idiocracy will soon rule world.